I am what is known in certain circles as a “new father.” This designation had no downsides at all during the first few days of my daughter’s life, when we could ooh and ah at her for hours and then send her back to the caring medical professionals in the hospital nursery when we got tired.
When you get the baby home, though, it’s a different story. For one, she looks up at you like you’re supposed to know what you’re doing. Where babies get that idea I don’t know, but if I’m a typical example, the entire newborn network has been woefully misinformed.
And judging from the onslaught of questions I’ve received from some soon-to-be fathers I know (ranging from “Are you overwhelmed, or what?” to “AGGGGHHHHH!”), I’m not alone. With that in mind, I’d like to offer some tips based on what I’ve learned in the month or so since my daughter took up residence with me and my extremely patient wife.
(Incidentally, if you’re a no-longer-new father — say, if you’re already arguing with your kid about whether she can stay out all night; this will all seem very rudimentary. Feel free to move on to the classifieds.)
1) Babies don’t break. At least, not easily. My biggest fear in handling my daughter was that flippy-floppy neck thing babies have going — like a Beanie Baby, but without the tag of authenticity.
But what I’ve found is that you can pick a baby up, carry her around, feed her and even put shirts on over her head without doing any significant damage whatsoever. This was an important discovery, as it precluded the need to go to my back-up plan, which was not to carry her until she turned 3.
2) Sleep is a scam. Turns out, you don’t need it after all. You may find this hard to believe during the first week or so, when those 12, 3 and 6 a.m. requests for food start making you feel like your brain has been replaced by a mass of intricately connected cotton balls. But it’s true.
In fact, by a month or so you’ll forget what it was even like to get a full night’s sleep — your existence will consist more of a series of naps. That’s not as bad as it sounds, particularly if you can get a few of the naps in at work.
Of course, the more sleep your baby gets, the more sleep you get. Particularly if, like my wife and I, you run like a maniac into bed as soon as the baby falls asleep. (“She’s down! Go! Go! Go! Go!”)
With that in mind, you need to find ways to lull your child to sleep. I find singing works very well — if I watch closely I can discern the exact moment that she wills herself into unconsciousness rather than hear another off-key rendition of “Under the Boardwalk.”
3) The snaps are harder than the SATs. Unlike on adult clothes, where buttons basically line up with their corresponding button holes, the series of snaps used to secure baby pyjamas onto a child follow a pattern that must have been developed by a team of NASA scientists. Extra snaps and flaps turn up with alarming regularity; who needs this stress?
In fact, the only thing worse than snapping up pyjamas is what comes before that step — namely, the old changeroo. There’s only so much I can say to prepare you for that little experience. I’ll keep it simple: Pay attention, be prepared to duck, and hope that most of the poops come while you’re at work.
4) You’re out, she’s in. Remember when you came first in the eyes of your own dear parents? Well, those days are over; within minutes of your return from the hospital with your new child, they (along with grandparents, siblings, etc.) will stampede over you like a herd of crazed wildebeests in an effort to coo at her.
But at least you’ll have your wife, whose childbirth experience will have confirmed her nagging suspicion that women are extremely, extremely superior to men. Enough said there.
5) No matter what you think may be wrong with the baby, she probably just needs to burp. Just like the rest of us.
Oh, and one other thing. Remember what I said about downsides? There aren’t any — one minute with your new baby and you’ll realize that being a father is pretty cool.
At least, that’s how I feel now. Ask me again when she wants to stay out all night!
Peter Chianca is a managing editor for GateHouse Media New England. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pchianca. To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”
author: Peter Chianca